I think this has got to be one of the phrases that most grates on my nerves. Parents and kids are not all cookie cutter copies of each other, yet other parents often seem to think that all parents will think just as they do about their kids’ actions.
I first heard it before Bebe was even born. My mom asked if we wanted a crib. We said no, that we would be cosleeping. So she bought us a crib and told us that after a few months we wouldn’t want her in our room anymore, we’d see. So now we have a very expensive (beautiful) laundry basket, but I can’t even sell it because I’m not clear whether it was actually a gift or if she wants me to hand it down to my sisters after. (And if you knew my mom, you’d know why I’m not planning on asking her for at least a little while longer, ha!)
But I hear it all the time. I mentioned to the wife of one of Kris’ coworkers that I couldn’t wait until Meredith is talking. She told me as soon as she started talking, I’d want her to shut up again, just wait and see. (And no, sadly she wasn’t joking.) I’ve heard it about the “terrible” twos (which I believe could be a tough time for some kids, but I am not at all anticipating them to be terrible), spanking, crying it out, extended breastfeeding, and countless other choices I’ve made. So far, I guess I haven’t “seen”.
Is it that certain things are so widely accepted that some parents really believe there is no other way? Is it because their kids are older than mine so they must know better than me? Or maybe it’s a guilt thing? Like if another parent can handle this stage in a different manner, what if that way is better? Maybe it causes them to wonder if they should have handled it differently too? Parenting would be so much easier if the guilt and the need to try and measure up to other parents could be lost. Personally, I don’t feel any guilt for anything I’ve done so far. If something doesn’t feel right to me, I change it. Not to say I think I’m perfect, I’m far from it, but I do the best I can in any given situation and I recognize that. If someone else handles the same situation differently, and it works for them and their child, I think that’s great. Sometimes, someone will tell me how they handled a situation and I will decide that that might work better than my way, and I might try it, but I don’t feel guilty for not doing it that way from the beginning.
I think I’m lucky in that I have a great network of other moms who either parent in similar ways, or who are different but very accepting of my ways, so even if I do need a reality check at times I have like-minded moms to turn to.
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Just wait, you’ll see… ah yes one of my favourites. The other is “well you only have one child…”. I think you’re dc needs to be a bit older though before you hear that one all the time. Basically, you can’t win unless you decidedly stop hearing what they are saying and continue to flow with your own reasoned parenting path.
Not only because I’m a constant purger and organiser, I think you should sell the crib. Then tell your mother what special thing you bought for your dc with the proceeds of the sale. Or wait until she asks where the crib is and then tell her how wonderful it was to be able to purchase XXX for your dc with the funds. That you waited to see if you would like to use the crib and decided that you didn’t and rather than have it packed up doing nothing you went ahead and bought something worthwhile.
I’m guessing despite all the added baggage, your mom’s intention was to contribute to you and your dc’s needs/happiness. Having the crib sit idly and disliked isn’t really fulfilling your end of the gift so why not get something you truly need and love!
I would tell you to sell the crib too, but I know our mother and I doubt she would be thrilled with that. She would most likely take it as an personal insult.
I can see what you mean about other parents. Being childless myself I still have a few opinions but like to think that I’m open-minded enough to listen to another point of view. Parents likely think that because they’ve had the experience they know exactly what to do and how to handle any situation. I think people get like that with a lot of things, not just raising a child…
I know, I really should sell the crib, and I agree with you Annie, but like my sister says, she would probably take it as a personal insult and she’s the type who holds grudges forever. And I do mean forever. We still hear about things that happened when we were kids. And since I want to keep some sort of relationship going with her, and that room isn’t being used at all right now anyway, I’m willing to keep it for now. I really like your ideas about telling her we bought XXX with it though. I think if we sell it that’s what I’ll say to her. Thanks for the warning about the one child thing. I haven’t got that one yet.
Alice, I think having some opinions and ideas before you have children is great, and being open to other ways of doing things is a good thing. It’s the people who think that just because you don’t have children (or your children are young), you’re not entitled to an opinion that get to me. And yes, it definitely happens with all sorts of things.
It’s too bad that for fear of hurting your mother’s feelings (even though she ignored your request to not have the crib in the first place) you are now stuck with this thing you don’t use. If you don’t want to sell it. You should consider packing it up and storing it or perhaps asking your mother if she wants it back to give to the next child since you’re finished with it.