Meredith, Fiona, and I went to another LLL meeting this morning. The meetings are held in a building on a school ground. Afterwards, Meredith wanted to play at the playground so we stopped to play for a bit. While we were playing, two older girls showed up. Considering it was an elementary school, they were probably eleven or twelve. They sat on the swings for a bit, but when Meredith walked over near them one asked her if she wanted a turn (she didn’t). Then they were playing on a different, spinny thing (not a merry-go-round, not sure what they are called), and she again went over close to them. They asked her if she wanted to come on with them and she did and they slowed down and made sure to ask her if they were going to fast. During all this, I had been chatting with them a little bit. Not about anything substantial: the beautiful weather, the playground, a sweater that had been left behind by someone else…
They were really nice girls. Friendly to me, sweet to Meredith, smiling at Fiona. As we talked and I listened to them talk though, it became obvious that they were supposed to be in class. Eventually, one of the girls mentioned they should get going, and they started discussing what they were going to tell the teacher about why they were late. It didn’t sound like this was a rare occurrence. I said, only half-jokingly, “You should tell him it’s way too nice a day to be stuck inside a classroom.” They sort of laughed, and one of them asked “Would you buy that if you were a teacher?” I told them that if I was a teacher, my class would be outside on a day like today. They laughed again (must have thought I was joking 
), and then we said good bye and went our separate ways.
I felt a bit sad as I watched them walk away. Not just because they would be stuck inside for the rest of the day when they’d obviously much rather be outside. But because of the fear and nervousness they obviously felt about the consequences of being late. It made me wonder if they were the “bad kids”. The ones the teachers shake their heads about and whose parents are at their wit’s ends. It reminded me of this fantastic post by Single Dad Laughing. I wonder if their parents know how friendly and happy their daughters really are, or if they’re labeled as sullen, disrespectful, and inconsiderate.
I might be reading too much into this one particular situation, but I know it happens, and probably a lot, that teenagers aren’t given a fair chance by their teachers and parents. One of my best friends for a while in junior high was a girl (I’ll call her T) who was part of the popular crowd. She did drugs, skipped school, and every other stereotypical thing you can think of that “bad” kids do. I was a bit of a loner, got good grades, didn’t have a lot of friends. But one day she started talking to me, and we somehow became friends. I’m sure my parents wondered how I’d ended up friends with someone like her, but she was a great friend to me (better by far than some of my other “friends” at the time). I learned that her dad had left long ago and her mom pretty much ignored her for a string of abusive boyfriends. Teachers automatically assumed she was bad and she saw no reason to try and change their minds. She asked me once if I was even curious about drugs, and we had a bit of a conversation about it, but other than that one time it never came up and she was very respectful of my choice not to smoke or drink or do drugs.
She would often leave her “cooler” friends to come and sit and chat with me. I’m sure she got bugged for it by her other friends but she didn’t seem to care. We paired up for more than a few projects, and though at first I was cautious as I never liked to do group projects (I was a perfectionist and tended to end up doing most of the work), I was surprised at how smart she really was and how much of the work she was willing to take on. We had an English teacher who was pretty amazing, and who found a note T passed with a poem written on it and rather than getting mad she told my friend how much she enjoyed her poetry and asked her if she would write more. T flourished in that class, was getting great grades, and seemed to actually be enjoying school. Then our teacher got a job offer to become principal in another school and T’s new-found interest lasted all of two weeks before the new teacher quashed it. We ended up losing touch after going to different high schools, but I often wonder what became of her.
I’ve found similar things with my toddlers too. People often expect that children have bad intentions or are trying to be manipulative, when in reality they are being normal two year olds or three year olds exploring their influence on the world around them. If you always assume the worst of them regardless, why should they bother trying to be anything but. I hope that in assuming good intentions of my children and enjoying them as they are rather than wishing they were someone else, that I will be able to enjoy them as teenagers the same way I enjoyed Meredith through the “terrible twos and threes.” I wish that more parents were able to step back and see their children and teens for the wonderful people they probably are.
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I wish others could see how wonderful their children are, too. I am really learning the value of always assuming positive intent. What a lovely post!